Monday, March 14, 2005

Trying to catch Up.

I remember when I started this blog a few months ago, I had all these worries about my life that at the moment, nothing else mattered outside my life. i just wanted to find that exit or place to express my sorrows and happiness to the rest of the world who cared to listen. still, i don't care who reads this, this is still for my well being. im just as selfish a ever.

i don't even know where to start since the last time i entered something in here. i have all of these thoughts in my head that i want to express, that sometimes it gets in this big bunch of mess. i kinda wish that i still had some free time to myself, like when i lived on my own, but it's not like that anymore. i recently acquired a roommate, who i work with. he's name is Juan, he's a very mellow kinda guy, a deep thinker, smart, good friend and a person who is generally nice to everyone. he's put me in a place to where i have to be responsible for myself and him (somewhat), because he doesn't drive. i kinda have to rethink some of my actions sometimes because i don't want to come off as an ass. that's one thing i've had to adjust to because all the comprimises that i've had to make with him. i kinda got use to deciding on my own about situations. that's something i've had to learn lately. in my past, i've noticed people have kinda always went along with my plans about the moment and i'm use to that. or i always kinda persuaded my way into people.

another person that's currently been in my head all the time is Mary. she's a gorgeous girl who i accidentally kinda bumped into one day at the mall, but i know her from work, who i never really spoke to. i never acknowledge her as anyone of possiblity of being a close companion. but she is now. some things still puzzle me about her because of her actions towards the situations that occured near the beginning of the year, but im hopefull, wishfull, happy, and amazed about how it's going between us. i kinda broke my promise to myself for her, but im glad that it's not that way, for now. im glad that she has good morals, (wanting to be an example) a good family background and a positive attitude about people. but there are more things that i find amazing about her, that i didn't ask for. she continuously tells me, her interest in me, which is something that i've always wanted in a relationship. she's currently in orlando, fl. with her mom and sis. vacationing at disney world. we've been text messaging each other all day, cause she can't call me on her phone, due to her cell phone plan. anyways, i didn't think i would miss her this much, but i really do. funny, cause there have been times during the times we were trying to get to know each other that, i told myself that i wasn't ever going to speak to her at all anymore, not just myself but everyone else that knew about the situation. now, i can't get her out of my mind. i must really like her to take her actions towards me. like now, i'm tired as heck, but i can't sleep cause she's usually in my bed for me to crawl in with. amazing how someone can change your life in a blink of an eye.

like, i asked her today what she likes about me. and she told me, it's how i make her feel. i just don't want her reasons to be my reasons,... u know. i want her reasons to be hers and not influenced by mine to give her reason to be with me. for what it is right now, it's fine, but i hope that she comes around to realize that. i tell her all the time, to do her thing and her knowing what she has to do regarding her decisions that affects us and her alone. i hope she comes to realize all that, by me saying this to her.

Yesterday... i told her that i recently saw my ex-girlfriend, she expressed her feelings towards the whole situation and i'm so glad that she did, because she didn't lie to me about it. i have no feelings towards April, or about getting back together with her. and i've already spoke to April about this, and how we we're going to be and to set borders. but i'm so glad that Mary spoke her mind about the situation. it just makes things so much easier on me, to decide what to do. i just hope that she's honest towards me and mainly herself more than anyone.

but let me end this before i write a book, long day tomorrow. peace out.

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